


Litany (For The Brave And Quiet)

by howlingsaturn



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff and Humor, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-30 15:41:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21430642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howlingsaturn/pseuds/howlingsaturn
Summary: Buck is the type of person to stay quiet about his suffering until he breaks. There's only one person who can put him back together.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 21
Kudos: 545





	Litany (For The Brave And Quiet)

**Author's Note:**

> I was in desperate need of some hurt/comfort. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy. xx

It's okay

if you can't catch your breath

You can take the oxygen 

straight out

of my own chest

— Two, Sleeping At Last

* * *

Buck wakes up screaming, scrambling for purchase on the sweat soaked sheets. 

It takes a moment for him to orientate himself, to calm his mind enough to focus on the here and now. He exhales heavily through his mouth, clutching at his chest. He can feel his heart beat violently, every intake of breath sending a stabbing pain through his body. 

The sensation is familiar by now, Buck can't even remember the last time he's slept through the night, but it never gets any easier.

He's been dealing with them for a while now, the nightmares. 

Ever since the tsunami, Buck startles awake in cold fear each night, images of a drowning Christopher and an angry Eddie haunting his mind. 

He can hear Christopher call for him so distinctively, it sends a shiver down his spine even long after it has passed. 

The truth is, the nightmares don't stop once he opens his eyes. That's what terrifies Buck the most. 

He keeps going though, drags his exhausted body to work every day and pushes against the black dots appearing in his vision once he gets home.

He keeps himself awake for as long as he can, until his body can't keep it up anymore and sleep finally claims him.

He seems to hide it well, the ache and tiredness in his body, no one really questioning if he spaces out once in a while. The adrenaline during a call keeps him focused enough not to fall asleep on the job.

This night is different though. Eddie had saved a kid from a fire today and Buck couldn't help but hear Christopher's screams in his ears as he had watched Eddie walk out of the building, cradling the frightened boy in his arms. He had looked Christopher's age.

And suddenly Buck was back at the pier. He could feel the ghost of Christopher's touch, the soft weight of his glasses around his neck. Fear had gripped his body and he had been frozen to the spot, barely blinking until his eyes had burned with the smoke.

Hen had pushed him back, forcing him to tear his eyes away. He hadn't realised he had stop breathing. 

He had waved her concerns away then, willing his body not to hyperventilate. 

He had turned away before she could question him and he had spend the rest of the shift avoiding her.

Hiding his feelings when others are around is one thing. Avoiding them when he's home alone is another. It's like they come crashing down at him as soon as he's set foot into his house. He's helpless against the onslaught of emotions. 

It got worse once it started raining. The rushing of rain against his windows makes him relive it all, and suddenly the nightmare becomes reality again. 

It's why Buck can't seem to calm down now. It's not like he needed that call or the rainstorm to remind him of the tsunami, his mind does that all on its own, but somehow it amplified the voices in his mind and the agony in his chest. 

It's unbearable. 

Buck stumbles out of bed, wincing when a sharp pain shoots up his leg, and he has to steady himself on the banister for a moment. 

When the nightmares started, so came the phantom pain in his right leg. It's usually nothing more than a dull ache but tonight it feels like he's pinned under the truck again, not being able to move at all. 

Tears prickle at his eyes and he wills his body to cooperate, to make those two steps back towards the bed. With trembling fingers he reaches for his phone on the nightstand and he types in the one number he knows by heart. _ Maddie's._

It goes straight to voicemail and Buck suppresses a scream. His heart beats wildly in his chest and he tries to take a couple of deep breaths. He fails miserably and the sob that is torn from his throat is desperate. 

He feels like he's drowning all over again. 

He looks down at the screen of his phone, scrolling until he sees the blurry letters of Eddie's name. He hits dial before he can talk himself out of it. 

It rings and rings and rings and Buck is about to pass out from the lack of oxygen when Eddie's rough, sleepy voice sounds through the speakers. 

"Buck?" 

His name alone makes Buck choke on a sob and Eddie is wide awake immediately. 

"Buck, you there? What's wrong?" 

Buck tries to speak, he really does, but the only thing that comes past his lips is a broken cry of Eddie's name. 

"_Shit,"_ he hears Eddie say and then there's shuffling, "Are you having a panic attack?" He asks and his voice sounds far away. 

"I--" 

"Hey, breathe with me, okay," he says, focused and calm, "Take a deep breath in, come on. One, two, three, four, let go. One, two, three, four, and again." 

Buck tries to follow his orders and while the counting helps calm his racing heart, the pain doesn't stop.

"_Eddie_," it's another quiet plea and Eddie curses in Spanish. Buck thinks he hears the engine of a car being started.

"I'm right here, buddy, just listen to my voice, alright? I'm on my way, just hang in there and breathe." 

Buck inhales shakily and then the words hit him. His head turns so quickly, it makes him feel dizzy for a second. It's still raining, he thinks, Eddie can't drive right now. It's too dangerous.

"No," he yells into the phone, "the rain--" 

"Is slowing down," Eddie interrupts before Buck can send himself into spiral, "It's fine, Buck, I'm save. I'll drive carefully, I promise." 

Then another thought hits him and he feels himself begin to hyperventilate again.

"Christopher?" It comes out breathless and broken and there's screaming in his head again.

"He's with Hen and Karen," Buck distantly hears, "They're doing a sleepover. Bobby talked about how excited Harry was this morning, remember? It's literally all Chris has been talking about lately." 

Buck remembers now. Hen and Karen were planning it for a while, wanting Danny to get used to having other kids around. Christopher had shown Buck the DVDs he wanted to bring.

Sensing Buck thinking, Eddie adds, "He's safe, Buck. He's not alone and he's safe." 

A weight lifts off Buck's shoulder at that realization, another sob escaping his lips. 

"C'mon now, buddy. Breathe with me," Eddie orders, "I need to hear you. Loudly and deeply."

Buck complies and his breaths start to become a little less shaky, a little less painful with each minute that passes.

"There you go, that's it," Eddie encourages him, "I'm about to pull into your driveway, will you open the door for me?" 

"Y-yeah" It takes Buck a moment to get his feet moving, his bad leg protesting violently, but he makes it down the stairs and when he opens the door, Eddie is already there. 

Just seeing him standing at the door, his eyes wide open and hair sleep rumbled makes the ache in his chest a little more bearable. 

Eddie surges forward, pulling Buck into a hug before he can crumble. 

"It's okay," he murmurs into Buck's hair, rubbing soothing circles on his back, "you're okay, Buck. You're safe." 

They stand like that for a while, Buck holding on to Eddie like a lifeline. He hiccups wildly, unable to get enough air into his lungs, and Eddie pulls back in worry. 

"Shh," he soothes him, closing the door and pulling him into the living room. 

Buck hadn't even realized they were moving until his knees hit the side of the couch and he falls down on it. 

"Look at me," Eddie says, sitting down on the coffee table in front of him, "_Breathe_."

He reaches for Bucks hand, holds it against his chest, and waits.

Buck can feel the faint beat of a heart against his palm and he focuses on the sensation. It drowns out the rushing in his ears, the steady _ thump thump _ of Eddie's heart the only thing that he can hear. He feels a warm hand at the back of his neck as Eddie presses closer. Closing his eyes, Buck leans forward a little to press his forehead against Eddie's, breathing him in. 

They inhale and exhale in sync. Buck feels Eddie's breath against his skin and it makes him shudder for a different reason all together. 

Blinking away the remaining tears in his eyes, Buck pulls back to look at him. He drinks him in, the sharp brown eyes and strong jaw, the line of worry between his eyebrows and the soft, barely there smile on his lips, and the storm finally passes.

"You with me?" Eddie murmurs and Buck blushes profoundly, suddenly embarrassed by his outburst of emotions and clinginess. He looks down, nodding.

"Hey," Eddie squeezes the hand that is still resting against his chest, pulling it into his lap. "Are you okay?" 

Buck nods again and takes another deep breath before he looks up again. 

"Thank you," he says sincerely, voice barely dropping above a whisper. 

Eddie just smiles at him. 

"You gave me quite the scare," he admits, face growing serious again, "Has this happened before?" 

Buck sighs. "Sorry. I-- yeah." 

Eddie studies him, notices the dark bruises around his eyes and the tremble of his bottom lip. When he had guided him to the couch earlier, Buck's movements were stiff, pained even. 

"Buck, what's going on?" 

Buck shifts under his gaze and the muscles pulling in his legs complain loudly. He hides a wince but Eddie sees right through him. He glances to the leg Buck had injured a while back and reaches for it before he can stop himself. 

"Your leg acting up again?" 

He puts some pressure on it but Buck's pained expression doesn't change. 

"M' just sore," he mumbles and Eddie frowns. 

"Is that what caused your panic attack?" 

Eddie watches as Buck glances to the side, avoiding his gaze. He shakes his head minutely and there's a sorrow in his eyes when he turns back. 

"Ever since the tsunami I--" his voice wavers and Eddie squeezes his hand in silent support. 

"I've been having nightmares too."

Eddie's face falls. They've talked about Christopher's nightmares. Eddie remembers Buck offering to talk with Chris about what happened, hoping that the shared trauma would help Christopher deal with it. In all these conversations, Buck never once spoke up about his own. 

"Why didn't you say anything?" 

The question slips out before he can stop it but the pointed look he gets in response is answer enough. 

He's protecting Christopher, Eddie thinks.

_ He's protecting you_, his mind tells him. 

Heart constricting in his chest, Eddie sighs.

"Damn you and your fucking hero complex, Buckley."

Buck chuckles wetly at Eddie's outburst, staring at their joined hands. 

"I wouldn't even know what to say," he confesses after a moment of silence, shrugging. 

"How about the truth?" Eddie offers, keeping his voice gentle, "How about what you feel?" 

Buck just shakes his head, clenching his jaw. 

"It's not that easy."

"I know, believe me, I do. I just-- I wanna be there for you. I wanna help. Please let me" Eddie searches his eyes and Buck looks so exhausted, so defeated, it makes Eddie's breath catch in his throat. 

"Oh cause you're so good at letting people in, right?" 

It's a low blow, Buck knows, but he can't help himself. Eddie winces but he doesn't run away like Buck expected him to.

"I'm sorry," he immediately mumbles but Eddie stops him. 

"No, you're right. I'm not. I know I've lied and pretended. I know I've pushed you away when you tried to help." 

Buck had been the only one who noticed something was off, who had seen the odd looking bruises and questioned him about it. He had been gentle and worried, never pushed the topic too far, and Eddie had been so grateful for his patience. 

He's not sure he can talk about his anger, his frustration, at least not yet. But knowing that he has someone in his corner, someone who's willing to listen and who won't judge him, makes Eddie want to try. He wants to get better and he wants to open up to Buck. 

He just needs a little more time.

He takes another moment to think but then a crooked smile blooms on his face and Buck feels warm all over.

"Looks like we both got some improving to do huh?" 

Buck laughs weakly but he feels much lighter already. 

"That's an understatement." 

Eddie hums and they sit like that for a while. 

"Look, we don't have to talk right now," Eddie reassures him, "But I'm willing to listen whenever you do feel like it, alright?"

Buck nods, grateful. "Same goes for you."

Eddie simply smiles. 

"C'mon," he says as he stands up. "I'm gonna make us some hot chocolate from scratch and you go pick us a movie to watch, okay?" 

Buck knows he's smiling like a lovesick fool but he can't help it. It's like Eddie lights him up from the inside out. 

He blindly picks a movie and then limbs over to the kitchen where Eddie is preparing their hot beverages. His leg is still sore, he knows it'll take a few hours for him to get back to normal, but with Eddie here, he's more than willing to wait it out.

It's surprisingly relaxing to watch Eddie work and Buck feels his eyes droop already. He forces himself to stay awake though, he wants to savour this oddly domestic moment. He could get used to this, he thinks.

He blushes again and curses himself.

Eddie raises an eyebrow at him but lucky for Buck, he doesn't say anything. He simply grabs the two mugs he's just filled and tilts his head, prompting Buck to follow him into the living room. 

He sits down in the middle of the couch, a clear invitation for Buck to sit as close as he'd like, and Buck is grateful Eddie knows him so well. 

If there's one thing Buck can't bear in his current state of mind, it's distance. 

So Buck flops down next to him, their arms and thighs brushing and making him shiver.

When Buck takes his first sip of hot chocolate he sighs languidly, sinking further into the couch.

Eddie hides a smile at Buck's reaction and they nurse their drinks in companionable silence for a few minutes. 

Buck then reaches for the remote and he's surprised to find that his fingers have finally stopped shaking. 

Eddie watches him from the corner of his eyes, relieved to see him calm and relaxed again. 

He doesn't pay the movie much mind, he's too busy watching Buck's eyelids flutter against his cheekbones, mesmerized by the movement of his throat whenever he takes another gulp of hot chocolate.

It's the best kind of distraction if you ask him. 

It's why he immediately notices when Buck grows sleepy. His head is resting at an odd angle, it's like he shakes himself awake before he can fully fall asleep. He blinks rapidly, shifts a little and tries to focus on the movie, before his eyes begin to droop again. 

Eddie huffs, nudging him with his shoulder. 

"_Querido_," the endearment slips out of his mouth before he has time to bite his tongue and he holds in a breath. Buck doesn't react.

He has his eyes closed and only hums, shuffling a little. There's a deep frown on his forehead and Eddie wants it gone.

He nudges him again until Buck's head falls onto his shoulder with a sigh and Eddie grins a little victoriously. 

"Just rest," he murmurs into his hair, "get some sleep." 

"I can't," Buck responds and he sounds heartbreakingly defeated. "They always come back."

Eddie's heart aches for him and he's reminded of all the times he had to stay awake with Christopher after a nightmare. He doesn't even has to think about what he's going to say. 

"I'm staying with you," he tells him and reaches into his pocket to pull out his phone. It disrupts Buck's position on his shoulder so he pulls back to watch him. "I don't have to pick up Christopher till noon so I'm going to set an alarm for 11 am just in case we fall asleep. Sound good?" He lifts his gaze from his phone and raises an eyebrow at Buck. 

Buck stares at him a little starstruck but eventually he nods, heat rising to his cheeks at their proximity. He could kiss him right now, all he had to do was lean forward a little. 

He shakes himself out of it, turning back to the screen. It doesn't do him any good to think of his best friend _ like that. _The last thing Buck wants is for Eddie to leave. 

He sighs again before he knows it and Eddie reaches for his arm, pulling Buck back against his side. 

He feels Buck shiver as he slowly presses closer, resting his head on his shoulder again. He's more awake now, careful of his movements and actions, as if he's afraid Eddie will run once Buck pushes too far. 

If only Eddie could make him understand that there's nothing that will drive him away, nothing that would put an end their friendship. 

He nudges Buck's head with his nose, smiling. 

"I can hear you thinking," he explains and Buck tenses. 

He quickly glances up at Eddie, mumbling a soft apology. He finds himself unable to look away then, eyes locked onto Eddie's. A million W_hat If's_ cross his mind, a million angry voices telling him they shouldn't be doing this. 

"This doesn't have to be weird, Buck."

Buck nods, swallowing. He wills the voices in his head to quiet and he tries to keep his breathing even. He's scared to ruin what they have, scared to cross a line they can't get back from. But he's vibrating with the need to be closer, to know what it would feel like to kiss and hold him. His gaze drifts down to Eddie's lips, then up again and he swears he sees the hint of a smile on Eddie's face.

He shifts a little, head still resting on Eddie's shoulder, when Eddie slowly tilts his head.

He leans down carefully, eyes drifting between Buck's lips and his eyes, as if to check in on Buck, making sure to give him plenty of time to turn away. 

Buck doesn't. He watches each and every one of Eddie's movements, what he's looking for, he doesn't really know. He just wants Eddie to kiss him. Desperately so.

He wets his lips in anticipation and his fingers flex against his thighs impatiently. He holds himself back though and waits for Eddie to make the first move. 

Eddie still seems a little unsure and so he rests his forehead against Buck's for a moment, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath in. 

Is he ready to take that jump? Is he willing to change their relationship forever?

He feels Buck's breath against his lips and their noses softly bump together when Buck's tilts his head a little. It's all the invitation Eddie needs.

He finally breaks the distance between them, pressing their lips together. Buck closes his eyes at the touch, stomach fluttering like crazy.

It's nothing more than a soft press of lips at first and then Eddie parts his lips and Buck follows eagerly. It's slow, overwhelmingly gentle and it renders Buck's mind quiet. 

Up until the point it doesn't. Whispers of doubt slip into his ear again, telling him _it's not real _and _why would_ _he ever go for you?_

Buck freezes, suddenly insecure, and Eddie picks up on it immediately. He pulls back, just slightly, so Buck can still feel the ghost of his lips move against his own. 

"You think too much," Eddie tells him and before Buck can apologize again, Eddie pulls him into another kiss. He cups Buck's jaw in his hand, tilting his head a little. 

He kisses him deeply, feverishly this time and Buck promptly forgets what he was even worried about. 

_ You don't kiss someone like that if you don't mean it_. 

Buck is utterly breathless again but somehow he doesn't really mind. It's not a desperate kind of breathlessness, it doesn't make his chest hurt, doesn't make him tear up in panic. Instead, it leaves him calm and focused. It's a bright, happy feeling and Buck can't help but smile into it. 

Eddie huffs a laugh against his lips, and suddenly they're grinning. Buck pulls back a little to look at him and the look in his eyes makes Eddie roll his eyes.

"Diaz," he says with laughter in his voice, "Who would've thought you could kiss like that?" 

Buck raises his eyebrows and Eddie hits him half-heartedly. Buck opens his mouth to say something but Eddie isn't having any of it. He wraps his arm around his shoulder and pulls him flush against his side. 

"Shut up," he murmurs and then he's kissing him again. Buck can't really argue with that. 

They stay like that for a long while, trading gentle kisses and wandering touches, until Buck grows so tired, he can barely get his lips moving. 

Eddie pulls him closer, drapes him half across his chest and kisses the top of his head. 

Sheltered by Eddie's strong arms and with the first rays of sunshine warming his skin, Buck finally falls asleep. 

He doesn't dream this time. Eddie's warmth wraps around him like a blanket, shielding him from the terrors of the night. 

In fact, Buck doesn't have another nightmare again. Every night he spends with Eddie draws them further away from his mind. Eddie's light shines a path through the darkness in his head and Buck makes sure to give him plenty of rewards for that.

It's all he can do, honestly. It's too difficult to put into words just how grateful he is so Buck does what he always does and makes each of his actions count. 

He hopes it's enough and judging by the smile Eddie gives him each morning, it is. 

Buck has never felt more hopeful.


End file.
